Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Phallomaney

Came across this amusingly entertaining yet ridiculous article in Marie Claire - in the "your sex life" section - few months ago. I ripped it out with the intentions of posting it in the blog. I came across it today, so here it finally is. Enjoy!

"STOP! This story isn't about vegetables." It's about phallomaney, the ancient art of "penis reading," which, according to expert Serena Powers, says that each shape has its own sexual advantages. Turn the page to find out what pleasures your guy can produce.

By Karen Robinovitz
Photographed by Francois Robert

Shows 4 vegetable pictures with these quotes-
1) "THE EGGPLANT is generous and inventive."
2) "THE STRING BEAN needs a strong emotional connection to give it up."
3) THE CARROT can get you in bed faster than you can say, 'I'm on the Pill."
4) THE POTATO can summon up his inner sex god."

(turn page)

The Eggplant
IDENTIFYING CHARACTERISTICS:
* long (more than 4 inches flaccid)
* thick (circumference more than 3 inches flaccid)
* veiny surface
* wide tip

THE EGGPLANT IN BED:
A generous and inventive lover, the eggplant is always dreaming up crazy new ways to please both of you. His incredible sex drive is the stuff of romance novels. You'll never go to bed horny. You will, however, have to break the eggplant of his kissing-and-telling habit. Let him know that loose lips sink relationships.

BEST POSITION:
Woman on top. Why? You can control the pacing and depths of his thrusts - essential when your partner is well-endowed, not to mention self-centered.

MAXIMIZE YOUR EGGPLANT:
Keep the moans and groans (positive feedback) comin'. If he feels, um, cocksure, an eggplant can go all night. But if he thinks you're not orgasmic, his confidence - among other things, shrivels.

HIS SECRET FANTASY:
Anything involving risk or danger. Being tied up and hot wax come to mind.

AN EGGPLANT RESPONDS:
Gavin, 37, electrician - "I enjoy finding ways to keep sex interesting. I even watch sex videos for new tricks. I like to joke around about sex with the guys at work, but I'd never reveal the details."

AN EGGPLANT'S LOVER RESPONDS:
Anne, 36, tattoo - "Gavin's sex drive is out of this world. He's pretty creative in bed, but he has always drawn the line at being tied up. Lately, however, he seems more open to it. As soon as he's ready, I'll grab the tape!"

The String Bean
IDENTIFYING CHARACTERISTICS:
* short (less than 4 inches flaccid)
* thin (less than 3 inches flaccid)
* smooth surface
* pointed tip

THE STRING BEAN IN BED:
The string bean will give it up only when he feels a strong emotional connection with you. Expressing his feelings isn't easy for him, so when he declares his love - or lust - it's for real. And this shows in his lovemaking. He's always open to suggestions if you're dying to try something wild, but if it were up to him, you could do the same things over and over (and over) again.

BEST POSITION:
Missionary style. This gives him the emotional connection he craves (eye contact) and puts his weight on top of you, giving his penis more push.

MAXIMIZE YOUR STRING BEAN:
Try making sex playful. Naked Twister, anyone?

HIS SECRET FANTASY:
To be dominated.

A STRING BEAN RESPONDS:
Loki, 31, actor - "I'm cautious about letting women into my life, because I've been taken advantage of before. But when I let my guard down, I'm really open. Mica helps me to further explore my deviant side. She makes sex fun."

A STRING BEAN'S LOVER RESPONDS:
Mica, 28, student - "When we first started dating, Loki was so reserved. He had a certain way of doing things in bed, and it took him several months to tell me he loved me! Now that he's finally come out of his shell, he's willing to get a little wild under the sheets. But I still make him blush!"

The Potato
IDENTIFYING CHARACTERISTICS:
* short (or medium - about 4 inches flaccid)
* thick (more than 3 inches flaccid)
* veiny surface
* wide tip

THE POTATO IN BED:
He can be quite competitive - this tuber just has to know how his bedside manner measures up with your past flings. But before you can answer, he summons up his inner sex god and puts them all to shame. If he starts barking orders, call him on it gently; harsh criticism will stop him dead in his tracks.

BEST POSITION:
From behind. He is very tactile and will love being able to wrap his entire body around yours. This is also a great position for direct G-spot stimulation.

MAXIMIZE YOUR POTATO:
Bring food or rich fabrics (silk, leather) to bed. That'll enhance his forte: foreplay.

HIS SECRET FANTASY:
To star in his own porno flick. His ideal costar? someone who's serene on the outside and smoldering on the inside.

A POTATO RESPONDS:
Bob, 43, personal trainer - "Starring in a porno film is one of my fantasies; I'd actually do it if my wife let me. But I never let criticism stop me. When Lucy tells me I'm doing something wrong, I try harder."

A POTATO'S LOVER RESPONDS:
Lucy, 35, medical manager - "Bob is always turned on. He'll try to be romantic and give me a 'massage,' but then before I know it, we're having sex. And he is very competitive, even though he knows he's better than my ex- and Bob and I have been together for 13 years!"

The Carrot
IDENTIFYING CHARACTERISTICS:
* long (more than 4 inches flaccid)
* thin (less than 3 inches flaccid)
* smooth surface
* pointed tip

THE CARROT IN BED:
This smooth-talking intellectual can get you into bed faster than you can say, "I'm on the Pill." He's also all about romance - the flowers, the full-body kisses. Just don't let him get so caught up in the details that he forgets you're in the room. Keep his attention on you by starting a philosophical debate. To the carrot, there's nothing sexier than a brillian woman.

BEST POSITION:
Spooning. It takes a long penis to have successful sex from this angle.

MAXIMIZE YOUR CARROT:
This guy will talk nonstop during sex if allowed. Mention that hearing his heart beat is the real turn-on, and he'll quiet down.

HIS SECRET FANTASY:
The only time he's at a loss for words? When sharing his darkest fantasies. No wonder, since they involve sadomasochism and bisexuality.

A CARROT RESPONDS:
Tyler, 28, performer - "I do talk Jen's ear off during sex, and, yes, I can be selfish in bed. I'll even admit to the S&M fantasies. But I'm not a romantic - flowers and poetry do nothing for me."

A CARROT'S LOVER RESPONDS:
Jen, 26, theater manager - "I was shocked to learn about Tyler's romantic side - I didn't know he had one! The descriptions of his fantasies were wild, but I'm not shocked. We both make an effort to change things up regularly."